Well, I wish I could say this post was good news. Unfortunately, at my second ultrasound, there was no heartbeat. It seems as though the baby stopped growing this past weekend. They said that this was more than likely due to some sort of chromosomal abnormality. I know this. I have been telling my husband this was always a possibility since we found out we were pregnant. Miscarriage has always loomed in the back of my mind. I know that the chance of it is so high. However, I also know that the chance of miscarriage after seeing the heartbeat was only 1-2%. I guess I just happen to fall into that unlucky percentage.
Pre-pregnancy, when I heard that other women had had a miscarriage, I would always think, "If I have a miscarriage, I won't be upset. I'll know the baby wasn't healthy and my body was doing it's job." And, logically, I do think that. Still, I surprised myself by how upset this all has made me. I have been crying on and off for the past two days.
This has really made me reflect on my feelings. I wouldn't describe what I feel as sad, per se. I am sad, but not for myself. I'm sad for my husband. I saw him cry for the first time since our wedding yesterday. I'm sad for our parents. We just told them all last week, out of excitement. I always said I wouldn't tell anyone until I was 12 weeks, but I broke that rule after we heard the heartbeat. My dad went through cancer treatments all last year and finally got a clean bill of health. I wanted to give them good news; something to look forward to. Yet, here I am, not even a week later, adding on to the pile of shit they have had to deal with over the past year. Why didn't I wait?
This brings me to my next feeling- anger. I'm angry at myself, first and foremost. I KNEW I should have waited to tell them, but I let my excitement get the better of me. Then I get angry that this is happening to me. Haven't I dealt with enough this past year? No, stop it. That's a selfish way to think. Lots of people deal with a lot more than you. Angry, jealous, annoyed, sad, selfish, envious. I feel it all. I'm so surprised by these emotions.
Why isn't this something more people talk about? Why do I not know what is "normal" to feel? Why is this something that you're just supposed to suffer with in silence? Why do I feel weird taking off work? I haven't taken off work, actually, because I don't know what to say. I'm not physically sick. I'm heart sick. I don't want anyone to know what I'm feeling because I don't want them to tell me the very same thing I would have told anyone else in my situation: "Well, it wasn't meant to be" or "Something must have been wrong with the baby" or "I'm sure you'll have a happy, healthy baby next time." It doesn't help. Nothing helps.
But that doesn't mean we shouldn't talk about it. I want to express how I feel. I don't want to keep it in. I want to be sad and for people to understand why I'm sad. I want someone to come to me if and when this happens to them because they KNOW I went through it. I want to be a shoulder. I want to be that person that says it's okay to be sad, angry, jealous, etc., etc. That they NEED to feel these feelings and reflect. That it's good for the soul to get it all out.
And so, in a matter of 48 hours, I feel like I have gone through every emotion in the book and have come to some sort of acceptance of what is happening. I will be scheduling my D&C for next week in hopes that I can move on from this quickly and begin to heal. Maybe I'll be a mom one day and maybe I won't. I have to accept that this is something that is out of my control and whatever is supposed to happen, will. I can't beat myself up anymore.
No comments:
Post a Comment