The waiting game

So, it's been a week since I posted.  I haven't really worked out since my last workout entry and I wasn't really sure what to post otherwise.  I've taken lots of walks around our lake this week, but I haven't made myself go to the gym.  I'm not sure why, honestly.  As far as what is going on, I'm waiting to have my D&C procedure.  That will happen on Friday.

How do I feel a week later?  I feel pretty normal, actually.  It's a little weird to know that there's a dead baby inside me that my body hasn't recognized, but I'm not really upset anymore.  Basically, in this scenario, I just got really unlucky.  Based on the statistics online, the chance of losing the baby after you hear the heartbeat is 1-2%.  The chance of having a missed miscarriage is 1%.  I fall under both of those categories.  I could dwell on this fact and I could feel really bad for myself and I could sit in my house and cry all day.. but I don't want to.  I don't see the point.  I don't see what that would do for me other than make me depressed.  Would I have liked to still be pregnant?  Absolutely.  But I'm not, and I can't dwell on the what-ifs.

I think, in life, people have two ways of handling situations (with a little gray area, of course).  They either lose or build a layer when faced with a less than ideal situation.  People that lose layers are "feelers".  They wear their hardships on their sleeves.  They are extremely compassionate to other people, but also allow their own feelings to get the best of them.  They are "weak," for lack of a better term, in the sense that they fall apart sometimes and need to lean on others for support.  Then, there are the builders.  With each hardship in life, they put up a wall.  They lack compassion and are extremely logical in the way they deal with their pain.  They seem to have it all together even in the toughest of times, but they are just good at internalizing their pain.  They don't rely on others to help them get through tough times.  Neither is the correct way to deal with situations because both have their pros and cons.  However, I choose to build a layer.  I let each bad situation I'm dealt in life harden me because I don't want to fall apart.  However, I also don't let a lot of people in to help me when I need it the most, and that is my downfall.  Maybe this was meant to teach me something about myself.

I feel like the only thing that I can do is move forward and realize what I have learned from this situation.  Prior to being pregnant, I never thought that I would even be able to GET pregnant.  I don't know why; that's just always how I felt.  So, the fact that it happened at all and happened so fast is a huge positive.  As I've said before, I'm a very logical person and I always said, "If I ever had a miscarriage, I don't think I'd be upset.  I would know something was wrong with the baby."  While that's partially true (I do still think that), this situation has taught me to be compassionate in a way that I didn't know how to be before.  I understand the shock, disbelief, and sadness associated with miscarriage.  These are just a few things that I can be grateful for in this situation.

I may or may not update after my D&C.  We will see how I feel.  After that, I'm not sure how long it will be until I can go back to working out, so I may be taking some time off from posting.  I will be back eventually though with my daily workouts.  I might not be a mama (I will always be a dog mama though, so the name will stay!), but I will always be a lifter. :)